War Of My Life

Johnny has a new album. It's called Battle Studies. There's a song he wrote. It really resonnates with me right now. Life is pretty hard for me emotionally and mentally right now, and I feel like I don't have enough people around me to help me get over it. It's only getting worse day by day in terms of perosanly relationships, but everytime I walk outside, or step onto that train platform, it gets better for me, because I realize that I have to be stronger than my fears, and that all I can do is fight. That being said, I present, War Of my Life.

Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you know

I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there�s no where to run away

I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash

I got a pocket
Got no pill
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Than nothing will

All the suffering
And all the pain
Never liked to label

I�m in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run

I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight �til it's done

No more suffering
No more pain
Never again

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

3 HOURS... 3 HOUUURRRSSS

I'm SO pissed off at all you L83 people who keep buying out everyone's fucking tickets and then selling them for TWICE THE FUCKING PRICE.

Mvb and I waited 3 HOURS in the freezing cold, HOPING that we would meet with someone who's person they were bringing in didn't show up. We met one, but obviously we needed two, and I'm PISSED because we would have bought tickets, if people weren't selling them for $240 EACH.

WHAT THE FUCK????

We're fucking STUDENTS for Christ's sake. We don't HAVE $240 to spend on a ticket that was originally $80!!!

We have to pay $450 per fucking wisdom tooth we plan to take out. We have to pay $70 a month for our phone bills! We have to buy our $96 monthly Metro passes!! We have to pay our $6000 tuition!!! You motherfuckers don't understand! And if you're students too, then you guys are bitches.

To make it worse, I got minor frost bit on my feet, Melvin picked a fight with me, and I'm sure I offended his mother when I said I didn't want to come in to eat the soup she made because I was fucking crying from how hard I tried to get us tickets, and how cold I was, and the fact that Mvb picked a fucking fight with me because I didn't want to button my jacket up.

Regardless, fuck you Local 83 people. I tweeted Johnny about what happened in short, and I don't think he'll tweet back, but as long as people see my video on youtube about those Local 83 fuckers, I'm happy, because I know that there are people like me out there.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY BOUGHT OUT ALL THE FLOOR SEATS IN THE PRESAIL?!?!?!?!?! WHYYYY??????

Why can't they leave some for us people who can't afford $28/month/year/whatever to pay to the club?? Fucking bastards. I HATE ALL OF YOU WHO PARTICIPATE IN SCALPING, ALL OF YOU!!!!!

I'm BITTER, and I'm still COLD, and I've ruined myself with Mvb and his mother because of YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -- I'M SOOOOO ANNGRRRYYYYYYYYY, AND KFC COULDN'T FIX IT THIS TIME, WHICH MEANS I'M VERY ANGRY.

H8B8IS=TO(8BUTISF8&IW8

I don' like women. Not the women themselves, but what they do to men. Swaying them in every direction with their b-cup bosoms, wide hips, pretty hair and red lipstick. They make them lie and cheat. They bring out the worst carelessness in the greatest of men. And the most troubling part in all of this, is that they don't do it consciously.

In that case, maybe men are the ones to blame. Ruled by their genitalia, they break hearts, minds and sometimes bodies in the process of finding out what they want. Women are but tools, just as money, and guns, to express greedy desires. There are no true loving emotions in their soul's for these entities. Only a need for pleasure, first and foremost.

If I did not have a sightly above average physique, a goblin wouldn't even take a second look at me. And even now, in my slightly above average physical state, how do I go through life not comparing myself to others? The good in this situation lies that there is no more hope to better anything, so if an unfortunate series of events were to continue carrying itself out in validation of my own dismay, then there would be nothing I could do about it, because it would be fate. And at this point, I only wait.

The Moral of The Story

Sometimes I say things too quickly, and in this case, it causes me more grief than relief.
However, the moral of the story is that if you can admit your faults (mistakes), try your hardest to attain your goals, and be honest with yourself, you should regret nothing.

Because everything we do in life is all to ensure that we don't regret. I cant help but beat myself up about this, but it isn't my fault it didn't work out. Making the decision I did as quickly a I did it brought out true colours. They would have come out eventually.

Desert Period.

When did I lose myself?

I have motivation for nothing but to breath, eat, sleep, and keep up with my favourite CW television shows.

My perseverance to take on responsibility is so limited and I don't know why...

Why am I not goal-oriented like I used to be?

And even when I give up, somehow, the universe conspires to in my favour; opening doors, presenting solutions, giving me options, but hat's not what I need.

I need emotional stability. I need sex. I need Vitamin D supplements.
All I can think about is how to get this aggression out of me. Traveling an hour and a half to go to my school's gym is tiring. I don't even like doing it for my lectures, let alone anything else.

I just need to feel aggressive human physical interaction right now. Right now.
It's horribly aggravating how antsy I am. The only time I feel semi-normal, is when I'm sleeping/watching CW shows.

Moad, please release this feeling. Help me get rid of it. I'm not having fun right now.

Needy Girl, Me? Nahhh

Someone's angry... And it's not me this time!

I just want to say for the record, I am not a needy girlfriend. I've never been a needy girl, I have friends who can confirm this. And just because I've always wanted to go to Screamers with a boyfriend, doesn't mean I'm a needy person all together.

I've gotten a ride to work once when my cash training shift started at the same time the ttc opened & the other time I asked, they wanted to sleep, so I let them and went to work late. A needy woman would make them get up and and drive them. Moreover, a needy woman would want that person to drive them everyday.

I have never once ask to be picked up from work. Why would I ever do that in my right mind. I've never ask for anyone to come and study with me at York, ever. In fact, I go to Ryerson ALL THE TIME. .

Even leaving Ryerson, I don't have a needy step what so ever when I voluntarily choose to walk him 3/4 of the way home at 12am (with the fact that I'm currently in an extreme mode of social paranoia), JUST because I want to make sure other people are safe. A needy girl would want HIM to drop her at Dundas station all the time.

A needy girl wants him to always tell her she's pretty, I don't need this, nor have I ever asked for it. At the closest, I merely ask if you liked my outfit, and for the most part, I always forget to ask. A needy girl wants you to buy them things, because they need to tell everyone that their boyfriend bought it for them.

A needy girl needs you to make sure you always proclaim to the world that you are theirs and wants you to go through stupid public displays of affection rituals because she likes it.

A needy girl always wants her man to go down on her only and never wants to make the effort to go down on him because it's annoying. I am CERTAINLY not like that. Once again, moreover, she's always lying down and wants you to do missionary. She always wants a massage, and she always wants you to initiate everything. That's needy.

To tell me that I'm a needy person, goes against me as a person. I have always done my best to make my best effort to go out of my way for others, and to tell me that wanting to go to Screamers with my boyfriend because I always saw girls with their boyfriends and wanted that too, and to tell me that wanting to have someone remember an anniversary, and wanting to have that person verbally express how special you are to them every once in a while, and wanting to celebrate holidays, and wanting to go out with that person once in a while -- if those things are needy, then I've been living a lie all my life, because I thought that everyone thought those things were small.

Wild Waters, Kingdoms, and the Magical Mermaid Corvet.

Rosie, Trish and I went to Wild Water Kingdom the last day in the summer before school started (which was aaawsooommee).

Here's a video of Trish doing cool stuff in the water.

The Effects of Rey & Nephew on Recent Virgins

Check out this clip of my hot girlfriends, Rosie and Trish, taking a shot of Rey & Nephew.

It's their second shot. I didn't take any.

Was scared from the night before with Jess and Auds.

Ew.

Never again, or at least not for a while.

Trust me, it's that bad.

Rhythmic Tunes of The City Streets

On my way to the FCAR Orientation sometime in the beginning of September, my ears picked up on the rhythmic tune of a base, set of drums, and a guitar in the middle of a crowd in front of H&M, across from Dundas Square. I walked over and this is what I saw...

I tried so hard not to laugh (out of pure visual pleasure, but I did. I hope they didn't hear me!)

If only everyone enjoyed themselves as much.

A shity weekend helped me find my calling.

I've had a realization.

I've always pronounced the vast amount of love I carry in me for people. I always thought a man would be that "thing" to give all my love to. I always said a dog would do it for me too. They love your love, want more and more of it, and the best part, they love you back just as much. A man would be that for me, except they would converse in English and not shed so much hair (then again, Mvb does shed a lot of hair, so scratch that).

Like I said, a man would have been that and more for me, but then I met a man, and while he gave me much, he didn't come with total 100% security, and he never really gave me the amount of love I wanted in return.

Maybe that stuff is earned over time. Maybe we're not around each other enough. Maybe we're around each other too much. Maybe we're not in the right state of mind. Maybe he has other things to focus on and doesn't have the energy to make a genuine effort for me because of it. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe canine animalia are the only form of mammal that can love me as much as I love them. Love consisting of effort, sincerity, security, appreciation, compassion, care, and comfort.

All I wanted was for him to sleep over tonight. He had school work to catch up on, but it of course won't stop him from going to Patrick and Walter's birthday party for an hour, because you know, he has a social life too. I even thought he might suggest studying, going to the party, and coming over to my place. Oh well, who can blame him.

Two people I thought would make as much loving effort for me as I would for them. Trish didn't make an effort to get me to go out with everyone knowing my Friday sucked, and now Mvb doesn't make an effort to come make the rest of this sucky weekend, not so sucky. Again, even though my scab came off (the cold sore), and there's a bloody looking flesh wound in it's place, there's still no reason for Mvb to want to wake up to that, so again, I don't blame him. I just need someone, or something, who will love me enough to not care.

Everything about this weekend has been a pile of stink, rotten, thick shit (exactly what you imagined of what I just said, was exactly the depiction of my weekend). From the beginning to the very end. Everything in regards to my health, professional, and social life. My TV shows have been fabulous though. At the very least. I haven't even gotten my period yet. I'm praying desperately for it to come soon -- that's besides my point in this blog.

I think, that if I can't give my love to people and have it be returned, I can give it to people that need it. Actually need the effort, sincerity, security, appreciation, compassion, care, and comfort that I give to people on a regular basis. These are people that need the world's help. I don't know how I'll end up helping them, but I know I want to. I have before with Amnesty International, but academia became a priority and I "forgot" or was "too busy" to even consider it.

I've realized now that I don't think anyone will ever give me that love in return (not to say that my mother doesn't give that to me, because she does. I guess, I expect everyone to give me as much love as I give them). That grand genuine effort and security I thought every loving relationship would have. And now knowing that it's not something that I'll ever get in return, it shouldn't be wasted in the drain with me crying about why people don't care as much for me as I do for them, when I could give it freely to people in the world that need love desperately. Orphans, foster children, starving children, those in need of amnesty in general. I've decided that I'll start doing what I can in the summer. Details will come later when I figure out what the hell I'm going to do (ha). I do know it'll probably be with Free the Children. I want to go to Kenya to help build a school, but I need to pay off my tuition first.