I've had a realization.I've always pronounced the vast amount of love I carry in me for people. I always thought a man would be that "thing" to give all my love to. I always said a dog would do it for me too. They love your love, want more and more of it, and the best part, they love you back just as much. A man would be that for me, except they would converse in English and not shed so much hair (then again, Mvb does shed a lot of hair, so scratch that).
Like I said, a man would have been that and more for me, but then I met a man, and while he gave me much, he didn't come with total 100% security, and he never really gave me the amount of love I wanted in return.
Maybe that stuff is earned over time. Maybe we're not around each other enough. Maybe we're around each other too much. Maybe we're not in the right state of mind. Maybe he has other things to focus on and doesn't have the energy to make a genuine effort for me because of it. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe canine animalia are the only form of mammal that can love me as much as I love them. Love consisting of effort, sincerity, security, appreciation, compassion, care, and comfort.
All I wanted was for him to sleep over tonight. He had school work to catch up on, but it of course won't stop him from going to Patrick and Walter's birthday party for an hour, because you know, he has a social life too. I even thought he might suggest studying, going to the party, and coming over to my place. Oh well, who can blame him.
Two people I thought would make as much loving effort for me as I would for them. Trish didn't make an effort to get me to go out with everyone knowing my Friday sucked, and now Mvb doesn't make an effort to come make the rest of this sucky weekend, not so sucky. Again, even though my scab came off (the cold sore), and there's a bloody looking flesh wound in it's place, there's still no reason for Mvb to want to wake up to that, so again, I don't blame him. I just need someone, or something, who will love me enough to not care.
Everything about this weekend has been a pile of stink, rotten, thick shit (exactly what you imagined of what I just said, was exactly the depiction of my weekend). From the beginning to the very end. Everything in regards to my health, professional, and social life. My TV shows have been fabulous though. At the very least. I haven't even gotten my period yet. I'm praying desperately for it to come soon -- that's besides my point in this blog.
I think, that if I can't give my love to people and have it be returned, I can give it to people that need it. Actually need the effort, sincerity, security, appreciation, compassion, care, and comfort that I give to people on a regular basis. These are people that need the world's help. I don't know how I'll end up helping them, but I know I want to. I have before with Amnesty International, but academia became a priority and I "forgot" or was "too busy" to even consider it.
I've realized now that I don't think anyone will ever give me that love in return (not to say that my mother doesn't give that to me, because she does. I guess, I expect everyone to give me as much love as I give them). That grand genuine effort and security I thought every loving relationship would have. And now knowing that it's not something that I'll ever get in return, it shouldn't be wasted in the drain with me crying about why people don't care as much for me as I do for them, when I could give it freely to people in the world that need love desperately. Orphans, foster children, starving children, those in need of amnesty in general. I've decided that I'll start doing what I can in the summer. Details will come later when I figure out what the hell I'm going to do (ha). I do know it'll probably be with Free the Children. I want to go to Kenya to help build a school, but I need to pay off my tuition first.
