Really, Honestly and Truly

Really, honestly and truly, life wouldn't be much of life without you in it. I mean that with everything in me - with the exception of the extra air in my bowels. That would just be rude, but my urine counts.

Verbally expressing my emotions has always been a challenge for me. It comes a little more natural than the rest with you, but that vulnerability is needed to play the part, no? I haven't mastered it yet, but you don't care. You know, and I know, and it's shown. Sometimes... well, most of the time, I express my gratitude for your affection through intimate actions. I can't help it, you're so scrumptious. So, if you wonder why, it's because you're super dooper cool.

And I've noticed that as the days go by, our bond becomes stronger, I've felt it. I can't believe this is what it feels like. I literally wake up happy knowing you're alive, that I'm going to talk/see you, that we have recognition even in the slightest, and I'm confident. That's the best part, I'm never shaky on where things might be in three years, because even if we aren't together, you'll always be here, and so will I. I promise that, and I don't make promises.

Please don't ever doubt the love, trust, loyalty, appreciation, and respect I have for you. Because even though you do stupid things (like call ex-girlfriends at your lowest point - yes, I had to throw that in), I still care horribly and deeply for you. And this kind of care doesn't go away. I ask only one favour, that you don't act in ways that might raise my own doubts in your love, trust, loyalty, appreciation, and respect. And always be yourself. Keep your ambitions high as you always do, so that you may never regret. Listen to your mom and family, they've made you into a good man. And always be grateful for what you have, so you can thus attract more to be grateful for.

This sounds like I'm dieing and writing a last letter or something, hahaha.

Twizzling

I really honestly miss him. I don't know what I would ever do if he died or something. It pains me to know that he'll probably be involved in an accident in the late future :(
I don't like to be girly and sappy, personally. And realistically, he doesn't colour my days. That's fucking so eh-stupid. He's my sunshine though. He lights up my life with his smile. And soon, he'll light up my life with his grills, hahaha.

Work Life - Day and Night

Can you believe that I was hired at Gap since July 6th? That means I've been working at Gap for almost a month now! Isn't that great?!

Testing the waters of my professional expertise in merchandise, customer service and of course my selling abilities is incredibly invigorating, but still very frightening. Approaching a customer isn't my concern, it's engaging, relating, and persuading them that are my issues.

And yet, my efforts are exceptional. Especially as a new employee.

I met a girl today who at first glance looked a bit stuck up, but is one of the sweetest girls ever. I never thought we would click like we did. Then again, as long as you aren't taller than me, we'll get along right away, even quicker if you're around my height! Taller people are slightly intimidating.

It's pretty interesting (and we know how much I love using that word) how fast time goes by. I've been working all week except yesterday. Tomorrow, thursday, friday, and saturday I'll be working like a bumble bee. Sometimes I don't understand how this Gap place could be such a big part in the lives of my managers, some of whom are there so much, they wear the same pants 3 days in a row because it saves them times in the morning trying to figure out what to wear.

I love Gap. My other sales associates are really, really great to work with.The location is great (not the trip, just the location, hahaha), a couple of my managers are great, and so is my discount.

I'm unfortunately missing caribana this year though... working a 9hr shift that day! I still have the chance to go out that night if I want to, but I'll prbably be too tired. And I MIGHT be working the next day, haha, which would mean I worked a total of 6 days straight! Oh, 5 actually, without yesterday.

Maybe I Am Psychic?

Really! I know everyone is slightly psychic for the least, but I honestly think my psychic abilities are... growing? Latey, I've been dead on about things; Time periods when things will happen, situations in peoples lives, people that I'll see soon. It's weird.

I know Mvb is kind of psychic too. He did one of his weird psychic things again the other day. WEIRD.

Good Chance

I might possibly be going to live on campus this year after all!

My mom is very irritable, and unless I have my own room, I will never live a peaceful life. I want to live on my own someday, but I'm scared someone will kill me in my place and no one will hear my screams. It's terrifying. That's why I'd want to live with someone. If I have a boyfriend it's great because they can make me feel more safe, and they will most likely be my boyfriend. But I'm not up for that up your ass stuff.

This is why I need at least a queen size bed for when I want my space, from touching that is. If it's another girl, I'm cool with that too. We'd have separate rooms.

However, we're not talking about moving out like that. Right now, I'm writing about living on campus. I've already stated that I don't like the idea of having to spend money on rent when I can put that to a household, but if there isn't any action in terms of domestic movement by the end of August, I'm going to find my own room to rent in the village. This is an official statement. You can quote me. It's THAT official.

So either way, this coming September, I WILL have my own room. I wouldn't want to waste money, but I must, I will. And where there's a will, there's always a way.

p.s. I tell my mother to put on pants when DumbDumb is here, but she says, "these are pants!"
...uhhh, THEY'RE UNDERWEAR. Gross. It's very fucking irritating.

Split/Personality

Hahahahaha, all I can say is that it's a great thing when we could laugh at all of the shitty things in life.

Like people who talk to their ex's for consolidation, hahaha... or being mothered by a neat freak with a VERY loud voice who constantly blames things on you when your brother should also be present, haha... or having people not show up to meet you when they are supposed to, warranting a long waiting period of me looking like a complete fool, hahaha... or having best friends that are self-centered, haha...

The only good thing in life is my work, which seems to be the case, always... oh well, at least I'm getting paid on friday?

Regardless, THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

No-Shows

All I want to know is why. Why can't you just say "I can't make it" rather than just not showing up?

Why is it that I have to sit and wait for up to an hour for no one to show up? Why?

Listen, if you fuckers know you can't make it, let us fuckers know, so we aren't shifting our days to fit your schedule for nothing.

All I can say is that you guys are very fucking lucky that I'm not a mafia boss, because I would hunt you down. I really would.

Words are Vapour

I really only want the best for the people I care about.

That underlining understanding and acceptance that we are adults, that we can make our own choices is so prevalent, but I still don't want to see someone I care about misguide themselves.

I grant whatever anyone does in their own monogamous relationship to their own order, however, when certain actions are carried out for the wrong reasons, that becomes an issue with me.

The truth is, if you haven't met the man's family, you're nothing to him. You won't be remembered as his first girlfriend, the one he made love to for the first time, but rather, that girl he lost his virginity to.

My concern lays in the lack of truthful reasoning behind the actions. Like I've said countless times, a virgin doesn't all of a sudden feel the need to have a dick penetrating her vaginal walls.

I'm completely aware and respect what comes with being in a relationship, sex being one of them. I'm disappointed in the motives behind the actions. I thought you would have more self-respect rather than just rush into things because they've all of a sudden started calling you more.

I sincerely hope this brings you closer. I remember your words... look how differently your actions spoke.

Stupid in the brain.

How could I go to DOMINION (I don't care if they changed it to Metro) with $20 and not get milk, bread, eggs, or toilet paper??? Was I momentarily stupid in my brain? I got poutine sauce, fries, juice, chips, and sour creme... that's SO stupid lol.

Speaking of sour creme, I'll be making cheese cake tomorrow. Who's excited for when I post pictures?! ... UHHH YOU ARE!!!

Anyway, I think I'm affirming too much that I'm stupid, because I keep saying I'm stupid and eventually I might actually become more stupid. I read once that there was a girl that kept saying that no one understood her, you know, in the jaded renegade sense, and eventually she would talk, and people literally started to not understand her when she spoke. I remember a friend of mine that kept saying she had an ugly face. I didn't think so, I thought she was so pretty in the face, model-ish even, and then after a while, her face just started getting uglier, not kidding. When I told her about it, she stopped, and oddly enough that ugliness went away. This is why I have to cease myself from labelling my mistakes as shear stupidity. Even though it probably is.

Am I motivated or am I psychic?

I think it's a bit of both.

A Legend.

Watched Jackson's memorial/funeral (?) today. Twas beautiful if I do say so myself. I couldn't have pictured anything else than what it was. The world saw his children's faces for the first time EVER, since they always had their faces covered. His daughter Paris got the chance to say to the world what amazing father Michael was to her and that she loves and misses him so much, which was amazing. I predict that she'll be outspoken. when she grows up. Half of the reason I say this is because of her ears... face reading. Brooke Shields gave the most touching speech for me. She spoke of her experiences with Michael in their younger years. I cried a lot during her speech. I think they shared their first kiss and they lost their virginity's together and all that. The performances by Stevie Wonder, Usher, and Lionel Richie were breath-taking. I wish Celine could have performed. It would have been monstrously delightful. My Johnny baby performed on the guitar the song "Human Nature", and oddly enough it ended up being stuck in my head, even though I thought he could have blown it into something crazy cool, which he didn't. He kept it simple, and I wasn't totally in favour of it, but I was humbled that he was requested to perform at such a memorable moment in history as Michael Jackson's funeral! The Jackson family were dressed entirely in Versace, it was Michael's favourite fashion house. His children looked so unconsciously depressed. Almost like they weren't aware of people. Only Paris brought something out when she said what she said on stage. Janet was so caring to Paris. Every time I looked at the children, tears came to my eyes.

All I have to say is that out of everything I heard everyone say during Michael's service, I didn't hear anyone say anything about his family making him into the wonderful, charitable, compassionate man he was (he's even in the Guinness book of world records as the most charitable star in the world!). And as much as everyone wants to hate his father for all the abuse, the truth is, if he wasn't that kind of person, Michael might not have been the same person, same performer, the same lover of the world and people in unfortunate situations that he became. His roots made him humble and compassionate to those in similar and worst situations than himself. Everyone in his life helped him be the best he could be, Joe too. So I thank God not only for gracing Mother Earth with Michael's presence, but I thank you for all the people in his life who helped him become the wonderful person he became.

He was born, he lived, and died.

Official: GAPPER!!!!!

Holy smokes, I am officially getting a bunch of shit on discount.

There have been 4 places I always said I would work at. I distinctly remember writing the places down in this notebook I had. It might still be in my memory box, but I swear I just wrote them on some paper when I was bored.

Anyway, on the list, I wrote (in order): Indigo, Sears, Gap, and Abercrombie & Fitch.

I said that these are all the places I want to work. It was literally my dream to work at these places, and in order, my retail experience has been (in order), Indigo Spirit, Sears Yorkdale, and now Gap at Yorkdale... can you believe it??? I can't either. I could understand working in those places in a mixed order, but it was sequential and identical to my list!

I'm not so sure about A&F anymore, but I still want to work there so I can buy their clothes on discount. I like the jeans. Anyway, I now work for Gap, and I'm ecstatic, because all I wanted to do was work at Gap after I met Mvb. He worked there for 3 years! And after knowing this and seeing his entire wardrobe filled with Gap clothing, all I wanted was to be like him (as geeky as it sounds). I look up to the people around me, I try to emulate them in ways, and in all the ways he's inspired me (picking up my guitar more often, other things lol) this was one of them.

I always wanted to make my boyfriend proud (when I got one) by having a status that they could readily share with anyone without feeling weird, and I had fairly regular ones before I believe. Better than most, right? But now, who ever he is can say that I go to York, and I work at Gap. I have a status. And it gets better every time, and this is truly the only thing I want in life (aside from the essentials, like love, and a puppy).

As you can see, Gap is more than just a job to me, it's a lifestyle I'm evolving into. I absolutely cannot wait to tell everyone to come to my Gap to buy things, or otherwise I'm anxious for people to use me for my discount to buy things. Especially Christmas time! Thank you so much Moad!

Coming Soon...

I Read What I Lack In Life t-shirts!

Just kidding. But who knows, I might buy a shirt and paint the words on anyway.

My Bittersweet Symphony

Life with you is bittersweet.
Some of the sweetest moments of my life have been with you, and yet, some of my most bitter moments have been too. I ask what has to be learned from this, and still no one helps me find this answer. As free as my heart is, I'm still as confused and hurt every time I talk to you. I don't know what to do... I wish someone could help me. I can't help myself. I don't want to pull myself out. I don't have enough motivation. I know I'll be stung every time I reach for more honey from the beehive, but the honey is so sweet, the pain is merely an obstacle to my goal. The bee's even sing to me a lovely song that draws me closer.
I realize that it's me that's causing myself this pain. I am the one who keeps wanting and hoping and getting nothing. All I want is the pure physical illusory realm of a loving and loyal relationship; The hugging, cuddling, holding hands, intimacy in general. I don't need this everyday. Even if it was once every 2 weeks I would be happy, but I can't have this... with the person I want it to be with. Even if I could have it with someone else, no one is around me to even develop any sort of base. Maybe the yoga guy, but he's probably with someone, and COME ON lol.
It's so unfortunate that something like this should happen to such a sweet girl like me. Now I understand why Trish has been so angry. I never deserved pain like this. I thank you Trish for being such a beloved friend. But I'm sure Beyonce cried many times during her 5 years with Jay Z before they got married.Not to say I'm getting married to anyone in particular, but I mean, her tears weren't in vain.
So much pain I've felt for the last 6 months. I hope my dear Trish doesn't ever have anyone make her feel this way, because if Joe ever made her feel this way, I would get seriously pissed. I 'm so happy don't have to worry about my Tin princess, who is a princess in Ray's eyes. I just wish I could have had the same luck. I am lucky to have met someone that is amazing in so many ways... they love their family, they work hard for what they want, they care about their friends, they strive to be a better person everyday, and they gave me as much of their heart as they could have, and I respect that. We have a connection that some people will never have, and it's not even fully evolved yet, which speaks volumes.
I'm unlucky to find someone who has everything every quality I ever wanted in one person, someone whom I share such a special bond with, someone who is so perfect to me, because that person is broken.
And you ask me why I can't just stop? Because I love you too much. You sing your song and my feet helplessly scower in your direction. Your bee's sting, but your honey is so sweet that I ignore the pain. I'm hopelessly devoted.
I tell you this, and you have the heart to respond with "interesting, but you point out my flaws"... You'd think you'd hear some sort of an expression of care back, or even a thank you. Do you know what it's like to tell someone you love them and they ridicule you back? Do you know what it's like to have to ask someone if they love you? Or playfully get them to tell you that they love you because you want reassurance and they never tell you? When these add up, they hurt, hard. This is the kind of pain I put myself through. I don't ask for things, people give things to me, and all this stooping is making me a stronger person. No man will ever hurt me again. You will never hurt me again. And I sincerely hope this is my last vent.

Goodbye my child.

Today, I lost part of me. Could he have been the next Michael Jackson? Could she have been the next Oprah? Maybe, but we'll never know.

Goodbye, I'll see one of your brothers or sisters next month.

I should've been an agent...

Lemme tell you something - LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING...

From TIMES, I been saying that this Even Stevens boy was gon be a star.

...and look at him now!!! He's in movies with hot chicks!!!



I said the SAME thing for that blond skinny boy on Breaker High...

..and look at him now!!! He's making out with hot chicks!!!

Slongs 4 U

Here are a couple songs that are on repeat in my head. Seriously, I sing them all the time:


N.E.R.D., You Know What ..."De rumors (hispanic) "




Drake, Best I Ever Had ..."You go Degrassi Boy!"




Jonas Brothers, Paranoid ..."JB3, wooht!"




Black Eyed Peas, I've Gotta Feeling ..."get crunk! Let's do it, and do it, and do it!"

Gapper

As the dolled-up teens holding their Aritzia, Mendocino, and Guess box bags saunter carelessly, their distorted realities emulating that which represents the core reason poverty and hunger are existential in today's age; dolled-up women with their dolled-up children play cat and mouse through the long, bright walk-ways. I stroll passed dolled-up store after dolled-up store, my steps in unisen to the music. My heart beat is still more prevalent than the melody. The drum beat in my chest quickly ecelerates into a heavy set of repeated thumping. I've reached my destination. In navy blue, white I spot the word Gap...

Anywaayyyz, It turns out the one-on-one interview I thought I was doing was with 8 other people as well! Yes, it was a group interview that I was unaware of. Oddly enough, the manager who was doing the hiring also happenned to be the lady that made me love that specific Gap location! Her name is Janice. I remember back around Christmas time, I came into that Gap to buy clothes. I was wearing my parka and I remember telling Trish how hot I was. Janice happened to be cashing me out and she asked me if I wanted a large bag to put my jacket in, which was the sweetest thing any sales associate has ever said to me. It felt like she cared, which was awsome, and since then I've only shopped at that Gap.

Mummy says it's not a coincidence, and Bro apparently told Trish's sister when she asked that he only see's good things for me with that Gap. Lot's of positivity he says... Awsome!

I believe I scored the job. It seems that I have the most experience and the most availability, so I don't see why I wouldn't get the job. I was sitting beside a guy from Doublin (I think he's getting hired) who's only been here in Canada for 3 weeks! There was a guy that talked too much, and there was a girl that didn't talk enough, pretty much it. I'm getting the job, simple, and it works with my school seeing as I go to York which is very close. There was also a guy from York who's part of FSAY. I'll see him again and say, "hey, you were at the interview!"

I'll let you know hen they call me back. I can't believe I'm actually going to work at Gap... actually it's sunken in now lol.

Vulnerable

I've noticed that during stressful times, my mood is less flexible.
I'm easily irritated by habits that would I would normally brush off.
My current and most immediate stress's is my exam and interview for Gap coming up. It's not to say that I'm more aggressive, I'm just a little more edgy, and usually more sarcastic. I also can't handle bullshit for as long as I normally do; Stupidity, slowness, dry humour - don't try it with me around this time, the dry humour part. Someone can't help being slow or stupid lol.
My inspiration for this blog comes from my recent experience with vulnerability.
All I wanted was to hear that I was wanted. From you.
The level of care grows, and with the growth, the expressions of this care become stronger, more voluntary. That's the key word: Voluntary. If there was more voluntary effort I wouldn't want validation. And I know it, but to hear it once in a while is nice too.
The vulnerability makes me feel bare. As if someone could hurt me. I think that at the heart of it is that this person could hurt me. So this vulnerable feeling won't ever go away until...
Tin never wonders, because Son always delivers his care in a beautiful gift box rapped in the finest ribbon. I want a Son. He would ask why, but it would be so nice to hear and feel constant validation for at least a little, just to feel secure. All I want is security.
I mean, I'm lucky to have something special like this, but I don't feel secure as much as I should, so when I ask someone to reaffirm that they still feel the way I think they do, and it doesn't get done for whatever reason, and then there's no effort otherwise, it hurts a bit. Call back, drive over, take them out, give them a gift, send them a e-card, do something, just don't do nothing.
I didn't get my validation today, one that I requested.
And after me bringing up something I wish I didn't, I distracted everyone, and in the end I was left with my own regret and now sorrow (although, now I'm tired).
I just want someone to validate and secure whatever we have. I hope I get this soon.
Kevin Jonas is in the height of his right now actually; He's getting married to his long-time girlfriend. I know, they can't wait any longer. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. That's all he's thinking about.

HAPPY CAN-anada day everone...

Canada Day was so FUCKED this year. Last year too because everyone ditched me to go on their own agenda. This year it was fucked for two reasons: (1) There was a city strike which = no fire works, and (2) everyone ditched me for their "loves". Fuckers lol.
I shall get a "love" and when everyone wants to do something with me I'll say, "sorry, too busy to hang out with you, I'm doing something with my LOVE'. hahaha.
My mom's cool though. We wanted to go see the Michael tribute, buuuut. That's it. I was cooking, I had to wait for the food to finish, and that would have been around 10pm, and the event spanned from 8pm to 11pm.
I was like, forget it yo, we can have our own party here! As usuuaaal.
Next Canada Day, I won't BE in Canada, lol. I'll be busy with my LOVE of TRAVELLING.
No ditchmentationaling from my friends, and fun times for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As you can tell, I'm in a "wonky" - I should go back and visit them, aha - mood I'm in. I just finished commenting on a lot of people pictures. Mvb's and Steven's were so funny. I had to hold back though, in case I offended the other commentators (which, if I could, would have been the point).
I saw a new picture of that Anal girl in the process. Not too shabby. Some growth on the very top did some good, although she flattered the Rihanna due. hmm... what's next?

The Gaga*

Only the Gaga* could look stong and sexy, without looking masculine.