Life with you is bittersweet.
Some of the sweetest moments of my life have been with you, and yet, some of my most bitter moments have been too. I ask what has to be learned from this, and still no one helps me find this answer. As free as my heart is, I'm still as confused and hurt every time I talk to you. I don't know what to do... I wish someone could help me. I can't help myself. I don't want to pull myself out. I don't have enough motivation. I know I'll be stung every time I reach for more honey from the beehive, but the honey is so sweet, the pain is merely an obstacle to my goal. The bee's even sing to me a lovely song that draws me closer.
I realize that it's me that's causing myself this pain. I am the one who keeps wanting and hoping and getting nothing. All I want is the pure physical illusory realm of a loving and loyal relationship; The hugging, cuddling, holding hands, intimacy in general. I don't need this everyday. Even if it was once every 2 weeks I would be happy, but I can't have this... with the person I want it to be with. Even if I could have it with someone else, no one is around me to even develop any sort of base. Maybe the yoga guy, but he's probably with someone, and COME ON lol.
It's so unfortunate that something like this should happen to such a sweet girl like me. Now I understand why Trish has been so angry. I never deserved pain like this. I thank you Trish for being such a beloved friend. But I'm sure Beyonce cried many times during her 5 years with Jay Z before they got married.Not to say I'm getting married to anyone in particular, but I mean, her tears weren't in vain.
So much pain I've felt for the last 6 months. I hope my dear Trish doesn't ever have anyone make her feel this way, because if Joe ever made her feel this way, I would get seriously pissed. I 'm so happy don't have to worry about my Tin princess, who is a princess in Ray's eyes. I just wish I could have had the same luck. I am lucky to have met someone that is amazing in so many ways... they love their family, they work hard for what they want, they care about their friends, they strive to be a better person everyday, and they gave me as much of their heart as they could have, and I respect that. We have a connection that some people will never have, and it's not even fully evolved yet, which speaks volumes.
I'm unlucky to find someone who has everything every quality I ever wanted in one person, someone whom I share such a special bond with, someone who is so perfect to me, because that person is broken.
And you ask me why I can't just stop? Because I love you too much. You sing your song and my feet helplessly scower in your direction. Your bee's sting, but your honey is so sweet that I ignore the pain. I'm hopelessly devoted.
I tell you this, and you have the heart to respond with "interesting, but you point out my flaws"... You'd think you'd hear some sort of an expression of care back, or even a thank you. Do you know what it's like to tell someone you love them and they ridicule you back? Do you know what it's like to have to ask someone if they love you? Or playfully get them to tell you that they love you because you want reassurance and they never tell you? When these add up, they hurt, hard. This is the kind of pain I put myself through. I don't ask for things, people give things to me, and all this stooping is making me a stronger person. No man will ever hurt me again. You will never hurt me again. And I sincerely hope this is my last vent.
