It's the moments alone, listening to songs like, "Nothing Compares To You", covered by Sinead O'Conner, that pull me in and out of my loneliness. I think I've always had emotional baggage, and naively throwing myself into something so wasteful and foolish as love... well, seeing it fail brought out that baggage to the surface.
We all have baggage - would it help if I said that my baggage was a bit more on the bright side? Polka dots, stickers, soft pinks and yellows, with hints of oranges and purples to accent. My baggage is beautiful - a beautiful assortment of items that make up me: I started a clever list, but I don't wish to re-read a morbid history of crap that are supposedly folded neatly in my flamboyant suitcases.
All I really wanted to say, was that staring at a glowing 17" inch screen for several hours at a time isn't beneficial to my mental health. In fact, any set of time I spend in my lonesome without task brings me to that place I'm trying to get away from. I want to identify it as loneliness, but I'm not as selfish to ever associate myself with loneliness (when there are so many out there to give love to) - I might say it was heart break. I don't know what to do sometimes. You run from it, but when it catches you, it's a bitch. Running through the motions of letting out the anger/depression/hurt is easier than it was before, but I still have the same regrets, the same questions, the same blog posts.
I can at least say that it does get better - I don't want anyone anymore, but my life is based on the truth, and I feel I don't have that. I feel as though I've been playing a card game with an experienced cheater. I don't feel so bad about it now, but more so, that I didn't see it coming. Seriously man, like a Go Train to the face. The part that's incredibly frustrating, is that I can't trust anyone now; bring me back to my elementary day. My password for like 5 years used to be TRNO1UM: Trust No One But You and Mom. How ironic. I truthfully can't ever trust any man, not even the one I wanted to trust the most. I, to this day, never thought anything like this would happen to me. I thought I had better judgment than that. And I thought he was better than that.
