No lies, no exaggerations... nothing I'm about to say is for one second a fabrication of the truth. I don't even think you'll be shocked by this.
I don't want to live anymore - I'm not being emo right now, like seriously.
I absolutely have nothing to live for at this very moment.
The will to live is the most powerful will for all living entities, and I feel as though if a train were to hit me (without the possibility of survival - coming out with a set of broken ribs, or maybe even paralyzed) tomorrow, I wouldn't veer "to the left, to the left".
I don't feel alive anymore. I feel so useless. I feel like when I'm working, Gap is wasting their money on me, I feel like I'm wasting a beer when I drink it, I feel like I'm wasting peoples time every time they talks to me, I feel like I'm wasting money on food I have to eat, I feel like I'm wasting my potential to be a better friend, I feel like I'm wasting a well equipped body that could be used to make millions in the sex industry, I feel like I'm wasting that John Mayer ticket, I feel like I'm wasting my divine talents, I feel like I'm wasting a bed homeless people could be sleeping on, I feel like I'm wasting this blackberry, laptop, and camera that someone else could be using.
The only reason I'm choosing to live is because I don't know what would happen to my mother if I died, and I don't like anything to do with pain - self inflicted, by force, or accidental.
This is why I want to cancel my birthday party, and delete my facebook, and stop following everyone on twitter, and not go to people birthday party', and just sleep/read books at chapters/watch television.
I don't want to hear anyone tell me to go seek out a therapist - I don't have money for that shit you fuckers (one fucker in particular). This blog is my fucking therapist. The CW is my fucking therapist. SLEEP is my fucking therapist, so fuck off. When I have enough money to pay someone $45/hour to talk about a bunch of shit I could talk to a glowing screen about, then I'll go to a therapist.
And it's not like I don't know why this is happening. I just don't know what to do. I wish they would hablar conmigo sobre esto (can't even say it in english...), or tell me that I'm really cool and they want to take ME somewhere special, but people aren't perfect. And I am even less than whatever they all are.
