In renegade mode once again. Brought on by various stresses from different ends of the round table. I've just realized how motherly and domineering I was in a certain situation concerning girls and boys, and the fact that my judgments may have been out of turn. At least, in the ways my opinions were stated. Swallowing pride is not an easy task for me, especially if there is fault in both parties. I had intended to apologize after seeing at least an attempt of a conscious effort to better our situation, I really did. This is why I've chosen to wait, because if anything means anything, a friendship will mean more than one haste tempered comment.
Veering to our left on the round table lies my impeccable taste for the right words to say. Always. The way I shoot back sometimes - or I should say most of the time, gets me into a heap of trouble with the fam. Yes, it is something I'm in control of. And by God, thank you for privileging me with an habitual environment that would allow me to free my speech to the cosmic depths of the universe. I do use it well.
Venture a mere two feet further to your left and you'll be able to count the many possibilities for my academic future. With the great number of options, it almost feels as though there might as well be none. Fear prevents me from making a decision. But then again, if you continue your treading down the table, you'll find that finance is an issue as well. There are as many career options available to me as the amount of dollars I owe. I grew up with the notion that girl's shouldn't discuss finance, so I think I'll uphold that bias for this session.
It's a very stressful time. Work is my only escape. To my amazement, I'm able to let out a ton of aggression, be unconnected to some degree from my reality; I make money, and I'm also able to socialize without the regular strain and anxiety I usual have. I have no idea why all of this is possible, but I know it's something good, for now. Things can change, they always do. However, as much as I feel that my shift tomorrow will help me escape slightly, I don't know how much I'll really be able to focus.
I just feel so... alone. I feel like I'm wasting every one's time every time I talk to them. Or I feel like what I once had with people, it's not worth salvaging because I'm not worth much as a component. I work so hard to try and be on every one's good side, or do my best to evolve whatever scenario we're in at any given time, but my human tendencies throw me off. I think I'm going to keep myself at arm's length from the world for now. This could be a one night dilemma I'll just get over in the morning, but I really feel jaded by all of this. I just want to go to a casino and sit on a slot machine for 4 hours not talking to anyone. And while I might actually do this, I'll opt for sketching at harbourfront instead, or more economically fitting, sketching at the beach. I discovered a few places I've never seen before. Near those rocks! I'm going to go there.
